Hammer Time! Seriously?

This is a HUGE problem. And also a reason I think most celebrities are idiots...

Carrie Bradshaw to Beach Bum?

When I woke up this morning I could hardly get out of bed it was so cold. I didn’t have to look out the window to know the heinous thing that was happening outside. Grrrrrr. I hate snow. All you Maryland people can have mine…

I guess I haven’t really updated you all on my life in a while. I guess I’ve been avoiding it because I’m not exactly sure what to write. I’m feeling a lot better lately, but I’m still super confused about a lot of things and I’m hoping writing this post will help me through it. I hope so anyway. God knows I’ve already tried everything else.

So, I guess I’ll start at the beginning. Like I’ve said in previous posts, I am planning on leaving New York. I love the city, but visiting for a few days and living here are two different stories. Anyway, I was looking for jobs in Denver and Florida, trying to figure out the best time to make the move when I started talking to Jessica over Skype about her plans to go to Mexico and teach. The idea of living in another country for a year has always appealed to me, and the school sounded fantastic, so I applied. The timing of it was really amazing actually, Jess started talking about it right after I had the huge epiphany that I never really asked God what He wanted me to do with my life. I just plunged into the New York publishing world, assuming it was OBVIOUSLY what I should be doing (New York is so ME, right?). But ever since I moved here I’ve been kinda miserable…lonely, isolated, stressed. And I have that I’m-buried-in-a-hole-and-I-can’t-get-out feeling. It’s not super fun. So I was all set to accept a teaching position and get out of here when all of a sudden, last week, there was a tiny complication.

I was working on this comp (a mock up of what we’re going to pitch to an advertiser), having a lot of fun and getting pretty creative. My manager was so impressed she asked me if I wanted to get more involved with the creative process of marketing…which is EXACTLY what I wanted to do from the start. The creative director also raved about my ideas, and so yesterday I sat in on my first brainstorming session. I didn’t have any super great ideas, but it was really fun to toss around concepts. We’re getting back to together to discuss it further and this time I’m going to be more prepared (they called me 15 minutes before the last meeting, and it was on a show I’d never heard of…the BBC’s Torchwood. It’s a very odd show, one part Star Trek, one part Battlestar Galactica, one part The Twilight Zone). The meeting was engaging and it was the first time I’ve felt like I was contributing something valuable to the company. It was a really great feeling.

So what do I do? I’m leaving money out of this since I’m hoping that isn’t a motivating factor (although it is in the back of my head). Ever since I was little I’ve love magazines and always vowed to work at one. And here I am. I’m in the middle of the greatest city on earth, have a millions of opportunities at my fingertips, and a job some people would kill for. (Which makes me think of The Devil Loves Prada. I love that movie.) Maybe if I tried harder to make friends I wouldn’t be so lonely. It’s just hard to meet people who you don’t work or live with. It’s hard to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. Especially in this city. But I really like this job. Actually, I really like the job I could have in a few years if I stuck this out. It’s hard to risk losing it.

On the other hand, teaching in Mexico would be an amazing experience. And it would be AWESOME to spend more time with Jess. I wouldn’t be half as stressed, I would be much healthier (sitting at a desk all day is so terrible for you) and life would just be so…simple. Part of me thinks that I’m just taking the easy way out if I do this…I’m just running away from my problems instead of facing them. Maybe I just need to man up. But the other part of me thinks that I’ve manned up enough. For the past 15 years I’ve done things I don’t want to in order to “get into college” or “get a job/get into grad school.” Maybe I deserve a little ease? Not that teaching in Mexico wouldn’t be challenging, because I’m sure it will. But, it would be a wonderful break from all of this. And the thought of doing “all of this” for the rest of my life makes me want to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.

I was listening to Oprah yesterday (yes, I LOVE Oprah) and they were talking about being overweight and what that means, emotionally, for women. Her guest was this doctor/therapist who prescribed doing this exercise called the “Circle of Life” (yes, it sounds ridiculous, but hang in there with me) to find out what is missing in your life that makes you turn to food to fill in the gap. I don’t really have an overeating problem, but I thought the exercise would be a good one, so I tried it. All you do is envision your life as a pie, and slice it up according to your priorities. My pie had six slices: 1)Intimacy/Relationships, 2) Health, 3) Spirituality, 4) Family, 5) Friendships, 6) Career. He then asked us to put a plus in slices we thought we had under control, and a minus in the slices we felt needed work. So right now my only pluses are my family and my career (in Hillsdale friendship would have been a plus too, so don’t think you guys aren’t awesome…because you are. But I’m only counting my life in the present) So I guess at the root of this decision: what is more important to me? My career? Or my emotional, spiritual and physical well-being? Not to say that if I stayed in New York that the rest of the pie would always be minuses. But right now, they are. And I’m tired. SO tired.

So that is my predicament. I realize what I decide will impact the rest of my life. I could stay in New York and live on Park Ave. someday. Or I could go to Mexico and travel the world and settle down after my travel bug in Florida with my family. As much as Park Ave. seems like a blast, I really miss palm trees. I miss the ocean. I miss being laid back. Because as much as I want to be a Carrie Bradshaw (in some ways) I think I might be more of a beach girl. I want to have a car and put the top down. I want thunderstorms. I guess I really just want Florida. And after 5 years in the nasty north (no offense to your northerners) I think I’m done. But then again…will I have this opportunity again? This is so hard! Grrrrrr…

Saturday Recipe Post: Oregano Smash with Green Beans and Pasta

Hey everyone!

Here is my latest Saturday culinary adventure and it's AMAZING! It's an oregano smash pesto and spelt pasta...yum. Here's everything you need to know.


Ingredients:
-1 and 3/4 cups (400g) french beans (stalk ends trimmed and washed)
-3/4 to 1 cup (200g) spelt pasta (short style)
-2 bunches oregano
-Good pinch of salt
-1-2 Garlic cloves
-3 1/2 tablespoons (50g) pine nuts (optional)
-1-2 lemons juiced
-Roughly half a cup (or a little less) (100ml) Olive oil
-Pepper to taste
-Roughly half a cup (or a little less) (100g) Goat’s feta (I omitted this and it turned out great!)


1. Wash oregano and pat dry. Then pick leaves and add to food processor with garlic and salt. Add in nuts as well.


Mix in all the oil and some of lemon juice, adding more to taste. Taste for pepper and add as desired.


Cook pasta in plenty of boiling, salted water.




Meanwhile steam or gently boil beans.


Tip drained pasta onto serving platter, add beans, drizzle with pesto and crumble feta over. Serve immediately.


And voila! Dinner!

New Years Resolutions...a little late

This New Years was kind of strange. Maybe it was Times Square that threw my off, but New Years Day came and went and I didn’t make ONE New Years resolution. It didn’t even enter my mind this year to do it. And I usually love to sit down with a glass of wine on New Years day and scribble all the ways that I’m going to be a better person in the new year. Sometimes I stick with them, and sometimes I don’t, but it’s always nice to set a few goals that stretch myself as a person. It’s so easy to drift around life and do the minimum. In fact, my personality lends itself to this laissez-faire approach. I have to engage myself, or I will remain detached. I’m not one of those work-oriented people who just wants to produce, produce, produce. I like relaxing and I like fun. Thus, my love-affair with the New Years resolution. Writing down some goals help steer me in the right direction, even if I abandon a few of them in the first month.

Well today, I’m going to continue the tradition and share with you guys 6 things I want to accomplish in 2009. I think the trick to the good resolution is to be realistic and remember who you are. You are not going to magically change personalities, so be aware of your gifts and limitations.

Anywho, here's the list:

1) Get healthy.
This goal has many little sub goals that I won’t bore you with here. Suffice it to say, I’m changing my attitude towards certain things and re-thinking others. My trip to the doctor was the first step. I now know I have a cholesterol problem which has led me to re-visit complete veganism until my next test (in four months). I joined a gym and am taking yoga, pilates and salsa. I’m also consistently taking calcium/vitamin D and a muli-vitamin.
GOAL: Be consistent with exercise (5 days a week), eat whole grains, lean protein and tons of produce, and take my vitamins every day.
2) Finish the rough draft of my novel.
I’ve known for years I love to write. College sort of sucked that out of me as I was forced to write boring paper after boring paper. Now that I’m out of that environment I’m starting to realize that I’m ready to revisit that part of my life.
GOAL: A chapter (or so) a week. And when I have the money, take some online advanced creative writing classes and a class on how to get published. (http://www.learningexchange.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=1011&CategoryID=5&SubCategoryID=45)
3) Run a 10K.
I hate exercise in general. Unless it’s entertaining, like a dance class or a yoga class, I’m not a huge fan. So why do I want to run a 10K, you ask? Well, because I don’t want to run it. It’s something I will have to push myself to do and that will be good for me.
GOAL: Register and train for a 10K this summer.
4) Be more honest with myself, and others.
Anyone who really knows me knows that sometimes I can be a bull-shitter. If something is bothering me, I don’t generally say anything. I pretend to agree with opinions that I don’t agree with. I agree to do things I don’t have time for and don’t want to do, because I want to be liked to the detriment of things I really care about. This applies to casual friendships more than really deep ones, but it happens quite a bit. Also, I lie to myself ALL the time to rationalize bad decisions. Not a good idea.
GOAL: Stop myself when I feel like I’m saying something or doing something just to get approval.
5) Take more risks.
I freely admit, I like to play it safe. When presented with two options, I will invariably go for the less risky option (although I did invest my 401K in the S&P, so maybe not…) I feel like sometimes you have to gamble big, to win big. OR lose big…but at least you’re doing something BIG. At least you’re doing something worthwhile.
GOAL: Instead of second guessing myself, I’m going to plunge into something I’ve always wanted to do. More on this later.
6) Save.
I’m setting a goal to have $5,000 in the bank at all times. You never know when something unexpected will happen.
GOAL: Save $100 a month for four years. And keep it in the bank! This time next year I should have $1200.

So that’s it! Keep it real, homies…

My First Saturday Recipe Post: Tofu Scrambled Wrap

Hey All!

Welcome to my first ever Saturday recipe post. I hope to make this a weekly update. So, the recipe I made today is a Tofu Scrambled Wrap. And it is delicious! So the ingredients you need are as follows:




Firm tofu: 2 cups
Salsa: 1/2 cup
Kalamata olives: 1/3 cup
Nutritional yeast: 1/3 cup
Olive Oil: 1 tbsp
Sea Salt: 1/2 tsp
Garlic powder: 1 tsp
Onion powder: 1 tsp
Tumeric: 1 tsp
Whole Wheat Tortillas



So first you heat the oil in a pan and add the tofu, cooking it for about 2 minutes. Then add the olives and salsa and mix well.





It should look something like this photo. Yummy. It smells really great!



Next, add the nutritional yeast (a great vegetarian supplement and thickener) and the rest of the seasonings.



Remove from heat. Then get your tortilla and a leaf of lettuce and enjoy!


Have a great weekend everyone!

Complete and Utter Excitment

I heard back from the doctor yesterday. Apparently I have high cholesterol and there isn’t anything wrong with my thyroid. The first makes no sense, since I hardly ever eat saturated fat (although I do eat eggs every now and then) and I eat flax seed on a regular basis (which has been proven to lower cholesterol) and the second makes me angry. So why do I have all the symptoms of a thyroid issue, then? Hmmm, Mr. Hot Shot Doctor? So I talked to my mom and as usual this shed light on a perplexing issue. First, high cholesterol (the bad LDL kind) runs in both sides of my family. So it’s a--no matter what I do--I’m screwed situation. Pretty exciting. Next, she said that it’s really easy to miss a thyroid condition in tests. She said I should call him and ask him if there is another way to test for it. Blah. I hate doctors. Even hot ones.

So I know EVERYONE wants to know my weekend plans! Well, here they are:

Tonight, I’m getting sushi and watching a movie then watching something at 10 about how much people get paid in the US (I think that’s the gist of it, I just remember the preview made me curious) and then I’m finishing my book (The Kite Runner, again) and going to bed. I’m so tired.

Tomorrow I’m planning on staying in all day because the high is 9 degrees. Not going out in that. So I bought stuff to make curried tofu wraps for breakfast and I have a tuna steak marinating for dinner. I think I’ll put it over a salad. Yum. Can you tell I’m hungry right now? LOL. Besides cooking and eating, I will start my new book, 1,000 Splendid Suns, write very late thank you notes from Christmas, and catch up on phone calls.

Sunday I have a Pilates class at 11:30. And then I was thinking about getting a coffee in Union Square and catching up on writing my novel. It should be fun times.

Well friends, I hope you have a fantastic weekend! I’ll see you on the other side!

Doctors and Tofu

Yesterday I went to the doctor. Now, my doctor in Florida was a wonderful old man, graying, sweet and just…a peach. It was easy to tell him about embarrassing things that you don’t want the general population to know about your body. When I hopped on the scale, I wasn’t happy about it, but it wasn’t too awkward. He was old. And gray. He probably had dentures.

So fast-forward to the events of January 13, 2009. I left work early to get to my appointment on time (with my boss’ okay, obviously) and trudged over to the doctor’s office. It was in the Village so the train ride was about 15 minutes but I had allotted myself 30 in anticipation of some directional malady that never manifested (despite the fact that I have been to the Village a million times). I had been nervous about the appointment all day (the anticipation of blood being drawn, which I knew would happen on site) and my nervousness made me overcompensate. Which was fine, I filled out my forms, and read my book until my name was called. By this point I was sweating, not from the heat (in fact it was freezing) but from my nerves. Damn, sweat glands. I hate the doctor.

Some assistant showed me to the examination room. I waited there, trying to calm myself by organizing my symptoms in my planner and trying to look professional. I was constantly tired, excessively thirsty all the time, my hair was falling out, my skin was much drier than normal, I had low focus and I had inexplicably gained almost 15 pounds in three months.

Then I waited. And waited. I crossed my legs one way…then crossed them the other when I noticed my legs looked thinner from the other angle. I wrote down my recent expenses in my expense tracker. I read the “Eyes, Throat and Ears” poster across the room. And then, just when I was thinking about getting my book out, the door opened and in walked…an attractive man in his early thirties. I kid you not. Instinctively I looked for a wedding ring…no such luck.

The first thing out of his mouth after I told him about my symptoms was, “So, have you gotten a pap smear?” Then, “Are you sexually active?” To which I replied, “Um…no…I’m waiting until…later.” And he was like, “Later?” To which I said, “Hmmm…yes…later.” He gave me a strange look and said, “Could you hop on the scale?” At this point the voice inside my head was screaming, “WHERE HAVE THE ELDERLY DOCTORS GONE? RUN!!!!” But I forced myself to get on the scale. It was mortifying. After that it got a little better when I somehow managed to bring my dead grandmother into the conversation and then I got so worked that when he asked if I lived in the city I said, “Yes…of course.” Even though I live in Brooklyn. And he could clearly see that I lived in Brooklyn because I wrote my address on my paperwork. After a few more minutes he said we would do a full work up and that he was concerned about my thyroid or depression. So we’ll see how that goes. I’ll have the results next week. But I can guarantee you, he’s not going to be asking for my number.

In other news, I made an amazing stir fry last night with tofu, mushrooms, red cabbage, snow peas, garlic and brown rice. It was fantastic. I just ate the leftovers for lunch.

Ciao for now, chicas!

My Rant Magnum Opus

I WANT TO GO HOME!

I'm cold, depressed, tired and angry at the world.

Can this be over now?

And to top it all off I got food poisoning yesterday. From Thai food consumed in dimmed lighting. Let this be a warning to you all: NEVER eat Asian food when you can't tell how well it's cooked. Bad, bad times.

All I want is a beach and my friends and family. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so. I've suffered through enough winters. Why the hell am I here? What is my problem? Why can't I just let myself do the easy thing for ONCE!

Sorry about all the complaining. I actually didn't mean to do this but since it's out there now...might as well send it out into the void. So good night, dear void.

Alone Again

My sister left today and I saw this on Post Secret and it is EXACTLY how I feel:



And I have a cold. Blah.