When I woke up this morning I could hardly get out of bed it was so cold. I didn’t have to look out the window to know the heinous thing that was happening outside. Grrrrrr. I hate snow. All you Maryland people can have mine…
I guess I haven’t really updated you all on my life in a while. I guess I’ve been avoiding it because I’m not exactly sure what to write. I’m feeling a lot better lately, but I’m still super confused about a lot of things and I’m hoping writing this post will help me through it. I hope so anyway. God knows I’ve already tried everything else.
So, I guess I’ll start at the beginning. Like I’ve said in previous posts, I am planning on leaving New York. I love the city, but visiting for a few days and living here are two different stories. Anyway, I was looking for jobs in Denver and Florida, trying to figure out the best time to make the move when I started talking to Jessica over Skype about her plans to go to Mexico and teach. The idea of living in another country for a year has always appealed to me, and the school sounded fantastic, so I applied. The timing of it was really amazing actually, Jess started talking about it right after I had the huge epiphany that I never really asked God what He wanted me to do with my life. I just plunged into the New York publishing world, assuming it was OBVIOUSLY what I should be doing (New York is so ME, right?). But ever since I moved here I’ve been kinda miserable…lonely, isolated, stressed. And I have that I’m-buried-in-a-hole-and-I-can’t-get-out feeling. It’s not super fun. So I was all set to accept a teaching position and get out of here when all of a sudden, last week, there was a tiny complication.
I was working on this comp (a mock up of what we’re going to pitch to an advertiser), having a lot of fun and getting pretty creative. My manager was so impressed she asked me if I wanted to get more involved with the creative process of marketing…which is EXACTLY what I wanted to do from the start. The creative director also raved about my ideas, and so yesterday I sat in on my first brainstorming session. I didn’t have any super great ideas, but it was really fun to toss around concepts. We’re getting back to together to discuss it further and this time I’m going to be more prepared (they called me 15 minutes before the last meeting, and it was on a show I’d never heard of…the BBC’s Torchwood. It’s a very odd show, one part Star Trek, one part Battlestar Galactica, one part The Twilight Zone). The meeting was engaging and it was the first time I’ve felt like I was contributing something valuable to the company. It was a really great feeling.
So what do I do? I’m leaving money out of this since I’m hoping that isn’t a motivating factor (although it is in the back of my head). Ever since I was little I’ve love magazines and always vowed to work at one. And here I am. I’m in the middle of the greatest city on earth, have a millions of opportunities at my fingertips, and a job some people would kill for. (Which makes me think of The Devil Loves Prada. I love that movie.) Maybe if I tried harder to make friends I wouldn’t be so lonely. It’s just hard to meet people who you don’t work or live with. It’s hard to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. Especially in this city. But I really like this job. Actually, I really like the job I could have in a few years if I stuck this out. It’s hard to risk losing it.
On the other hand, teaching in Mexico would be an amazing experience. And it would be AWESOME to spend more time with Jess. I wouldn’t be half as stressed, I would be much healthier (sitting at a desk all day is so terrible for you) and life would just be so…simple. Part of me thinks that I’m just taking the easy way out if I do this…I’m just running away from my problems instead of facing them. Maybe I just need to man up. But the other part of me thinks that I’ve manned up enough. For the past 15 years I’ve done things I don’t want to in order to “get into college” or “get a job/get into grad school.” Maybe I deserve a little ease? Not that teaching in Mexico wouldn’t be challenging, because I’m sure it will. But, it would be a wonderful break from all of this. And the thought of doing “all of this” for the rest of my life makes me want to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.
I was listening to Oprah yesterday (yes, I LOVE Oprah) and they were talking about being overweight and what that means, emotionally, for women. Her guest was this doctor/therapist who prescribed doing this exercise called the “Circle of Life” (yes, it sounds ridiculous, but hang in there with me) to find out what is missing in your life that makes you turn to food to fill in the gap. I don’t really have an overeating problem, but I thought the exercise would be a good one, so I tried it. All you do is envision your life as a pie, and slice it up according to your priorities. My pie had six slices: 1)Intimacy/Relationships, 2) Health, 3) Spirituality, 4) Family, 5) Friendships, 6) Career. He then asked us to put a plus in slices we thought we had under control, and a minus in the slices we felt needed work. So right now my only pluses are my family and my career (in Hillsdale friendship would have been a plus too, so don’t think you guys aren’t awesome…because you are. But I’m only counting my life in the present) So I guess at the root of this decision: what is more important to me? My career? Or my emotional, spiritual and physical well-being? Not to say that if I stayed in New York that the rest of the pie would always be minuses. But right now, they are. And I’m tired. SO tired.
So that is my predicament. I realize what I decide will impact the rest of my life. I could stay in New York and live on Park Ave. someday. Or I could go to Mexico and travel the world and settle down after my travel bug in Florida with my family. As much as Park Ave. seems like a blast, I really miss palm trees. I miss the ocean. I miss being laid back. Because as much as I want to be a Carrie Bradshaw (in some ways) I think I might be more of a beach girl. I want to have a car and put the top down. I want thunderstorms. I guess I really just want Florida. And after 5 years in the nasty north (no offense to your northerners) I think I’m done. But then again…will I have this opportunity again? This is so hard! Grrrrrr…
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9 comments:
My poor Heather. I will finally call you tonight! The last two nights have been miserable, but I'm finally feeling better, so I will call.
I love you! Praying for you every day!
"so don’t think you guys aren’t awesome…because you are"
Thanks for the compliment!
I don't have any words of wisdom concerning your life's path.
p.s. I still hate you.
I don't exactly have words of wisdom...but I might be able to come up with some words. Check your email.
P.S. Thank you letting me have some snow. We got out of school today.
that's a tough one Heather; we're all at such transitory positions in life right now...sorry I can't offer more than that in a little blog comment box :P
One problem I see is that the pie analogy shoves God into a little slice labeled "spirituality" when He needs to be the primary focus, the WHOLE pie, if you will. Things get out of proportion and unbalanced when we aren't focused on Him and making Him the priority. To me---and you know I say this with love---you seem to be trying to DO things and FIX things yourself. What needs to happen is that you let God lead you, and let Him do the doing and the fixing.
Psalm 55:22: "Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall."
I'm not saying Oprah doesn't have good advice, but I think you may be looking for answers in the wrong place.
I am sorry we didn't get to talk about any of this last night. I agree with Emily about God being the whole pie; I think it will help to see him as the center.
It sounds like you would be happier and more at peace in Mexico but I can see why it is so hard to leave.
You will continue to be in my prayers. Love you!
Man, why does it seem like decisions just get harder and harder as we get older? Sigh. Sometimes, it's really hard to discern God's direction too, even when you're trying. Anyway, I'll definitely be praying for you.
I totally agree with you...God should completely be the focus of my life. But the pie slices aren't mutually exclusive (your spirituality doesn't have to be removed from your career for example)..it's just a good way to see what is most important to you in your life and evaluate if you are where you want to be with each slice. But that's a good point for sure...and I've been praying like crazy!
Well, what I was saying is that God doesn't just fit into one section of your life. I didn't mean that I thought the sections were mutually exclusive; not everything can be easily compartmentalized.
What I meant was that God doesn't just fit under the category "spirituality". I'm not saying that you should wake up and pray, "Dear Jesus, what should I wear today?" but He does want to be involved in every section of you life: career, intimacy, family, friendships, health, etc. The thing is, if He is the focus of your life, I don't think there's a need for a "spirituality" slice of the "pie" anyway.
No one's life is always balanced, no matter how hard you work at it. Some areas are going to be better than others, and then a shift will happen and something will improve while another thing deteriorates briefly. It may be balanced in the big picture, but no one can micromanage everything. Even with God at the center, as the primary focus, sh** happens, and something gets out of whack.
The question is who you're going to rely on---God, or yourself? Because if you try to do it all on your own, it's too much to handle and it ALL gets screwed up. Trust me, I have BEEN THERE.
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