A Big Announcement

Too tired to clean, return phone calls, or get my lunch ready for Monday, I slumped down to watch Garden State last night after a long day of laundry, exercise and Church. I love Garden State. I cry every time Largeman comes back for Sam. Every time. Anyway, Largeman says something in the movie that made more sense to me now that I’ve permanently moved away from home. And its a scene that I’d never really thought about after all these years of watching and analyzing that movie.

You know the part when they all go swimming in their underwear (which as I learned after watching the special features, was EXTREMELY cold and Zach Braff screams like a girl) and then Sam and Large kind of bond in the shallow end once every one sees his less than par swimming technique? He gets to talking about the concept of home and how there is a moment when you stop seeing home as the place where you grew up. You go to that place and, while it’s comforting, it’s not home. Because the place you grew up changes. Rooms change. The people in those rooms change. It’s like you’re homesick for a place that doesn’t exist.

I remember when I was a kid how much I hated being told what to do. I wanted to stay up for the news. I couldn’t stand setting the table (especially being the unhappy sucker who had to put out ALL the utensils—because everyone knows that’s the hard part). It was a hard life—being a kid. And as much as I don’t want to go back—part of me is screaming, WHERE IS MY MOMMY? And, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN NEW YORK CITY?!? It’s scary. It's smelly. People are rude. I am not comfortable. And I am not at home.

But then I think about it. Will I really feel at home anywhere right now? Isn’t this the time in my life when the growing pains are the most acute? I’m out from under the umbrella, walking in the world alone for the first time without protection. Did I expect this to be pleasant at first? I guess until I can build my own umbrella, I’ll be feeling the rain, right?

This isn’t to say that I don’t love New York. I do. I love the city, I love the energy and I really love being able to go to the original Marc Jacobs boutique. And my job is pretty great. I just don’t think this is going to be where I settle down. I don’t feel at peace here. There is too much activity. Too much competition.

So I’m making an announcement. I’ve decided that I’m going to give this job a year. So next July, I’ll give my 30-days notice. Until then, I’m going to research jobs in Europe and hopefully live there for a while. Eventually, though, I want to end up back in Florida. I really think that’s where I’m supposed to settle down. I don’t know what I’ll do, or if I’ll even stay in the magazine business. I actually don’t think I will. I’m learning a lot about myself in New York and one thing I know I don’t respond well to is stress. And this city is the capitol of stress. And media is a stressful business. Extremely stressful. I don’t want millions of dollars on my head. I mean, I wouldn’t mind millions of dollars, I just don’t want to be responsible for someone else’s millions of dollars. All of that to say—I think I just want a job that isn’t in an office, doesn’t make my stomach do flip flops, and gives me a sense of purpose.

Oh yeah, and I want to wear flip flops.

Is that too much to ask?